Confidence, true confidence where you trust yourself to make plans and choices, grows out of testing experiences. Parents who shield their children from these during what should be transitional teen years are denying them their best route to becoming competent responsible adults eager to explore the real world.
Informal neighborhood tasks started at 12, but I began my first real job the week after I turned sixteen. It was not something I wanted to do but my parents made it very clear that working is what an adult did and it was my time to step up. Having a crappy job turned out to be the best motivation for building the skills that positioned me for better work later.
Modern affluence means middle class urban boys have become picky and prideful about whether or not they will take a low paying low status temporary or part-time job. Unlike their sisters, they grow up without responsibility in the home and are allowed to avoid it outside the home, comfortable in the golden cocoon.
Back when most boys grew up on farms or in other family businesses, adolescent self indulgence was not an option. They knew why they were doing the work and what was at stake. They learned how justified pride felt; How it sustains you through life’s inevitable failures. The ability to absorb a humbling experience, learn from it and grow wiser is healthy. It leads to the kind of self respect, courage and empathy that is sustaining in a way that the sugar rush of dominance over others is not.
But if all that we offer a teenage boy is the internet fueled potent fantasy of unearned dominance he becomes paralyzed, trapped between that toxic thrill and knowing that to bully is wrong. Parents, if you are not going to force him to work a summer job then at least force him out into some other challenging human interactions through sports or volunteering. He needs to feel the satisfaction that only comes from effort and risk; He needs to feel the pride of earned respect.
Maturing into manhood is not automatic. Being physically big and strong is not the same thing as being a capable responsible man. The world needs grownup adult men, not overgrown male children. Drawing the distinction nowadays is considered some liberal insult to men. In fact, demanding better of men than to be self-indulgent cowardly bullies is the most traditional and conservative value I know.
To condemn toxic masculinity is to assert the value of true masculinity, brave and caring enough to share its strength. Thankfully, most men are true adults, but many more could and should be.